Klein101.com

Welcome to the website Klein101.com, the title of which was selected as a web-name - or more impressively, as a web-nomenclature, or more unintelligibly, as a web-xyjjqkirzzf - in part because it's more modest and "becoming" than would be KleinHimself.com or KleinHowAboutThat.com or KleinAndYou'reNot.com or (the especially obnoxious) KleinWhichIsMoreThanYouAre.com.  

Klein101.com was launched by Jonathan Klein, who received his doctorate from a university he identifies as "that's none of your business." "Dr." Klein was applauded by his fellow "out-and-proud" activists when he openly confessed the painful truth that he's a man trapped inside the body of an even more attractive man.  

Professionally, Jonathan is addressed by gullible people as the Undersecretary Inspector-General for the U.S. Government (which is a position that doesn't, in any valid sense of the word, actually "exist"). Moving ahead (by willy-nilly flaunting nonsensical titles), Inspector-General Klein has earned universal respect as a multi-linguist with his masterful command of English, Pig-Latin, Pidgin-English, Broken-English, Broken Pidgin-English, Pidgin Broken-English, A-Laughable-Excuse-for English, Incoherent-English, Inebriated-English, and Not-Even-Close-To English. As an accomplished athlete, among his many other physical feats, Jonathan is ranked by the "Association of Tennis Professionals" (the "ATP") as behind number 1 Jannik Sinner and number 2 Carlos Alcaraz as worldwide-number 4,955,693,855th, right behind a five-year-old girl from the Country of Laos.  

One reason why you are assumed to be excited, rather than glaring balefully at these words, is that Klein101.com today brings you its debut post: or, for those with R-rated minds who like to giggle about obscure double-entendres, its "maiden" post. Thank you. Thank you very much. Stop it: you're way too kind. Really: stop it! 

Let me start off by saying that I wholeheartedly and obsequiously appreciate your imaginary standing-ovation. Kindly avoid an imaginary ticker-tape parade as well as an imaginary candlelight vigil. And an imaginary coronation as "Mr. Too-Adorable-For-Words" is out of the question, I'm almost sure. 

As our first order of business, which will be written by adopting the dimwitted and simpleminded yet always-entertaining style of America's 45th President, I announce that, "as everybody knows," I already won the Pulitzer-Prize for this post, and that any claims to the contrary - that somebody else won the Pulitzer-Prize, which is clarified for "slow" readers - are entirely illegitimate, "as everybody knows." In order to fight against these "rigged" honors, created "by very bad people like radical-libs with bad-ratings and Muslims from countries that don't have Trump Hotels," I ask the reader to donate to my "Stop the Steal" fund, along with my "Save the Pulitzer Prize!" fund as well as my "Empty Your Bank Account Request for People Who Are Too Stupid Not To" fund. 

Having concluded my introduction - a phrase which, rather than a segue, I provided simply to kill time while I search for some really big words to use, even if incorrectly - we are "indefatigably" and "ephemerally" redirected to a less ridiculous and more serious prologue: including a website overview followed by a focus on today's website-iteration. Having thrown everything at the wall in hopes of getting a laugh, even a polite and pitying laugh, I promise to leave no stone unturned in abandoning all standards of good taste and self-respect in order to continue doing so.  

That's my personal oath to you.  

For starters, and to answer a question about the goals of Klein101.com that nobody actually asked, to achieve one such goal, we frequently use the royal "we" so as to let the author (i.e., "me") pretend to be a group of serious professionals, rather than admit to being one deranged writer (i.e., still "me") who, while writing, also might be watching "Three Teens and a Superstud" while getting to third-base with himself.  

As we race ahead with understandable haste from that disturbing and revolting revelation, another purpose of this website is to establish and apply new and fresh ideas for self-amusement. As a result, the content is chosen not for its accuracy but rather for its hilarity. This upfront acknowledgement, of the deliberate fakery to unfold, is sent out to every aspiring libel-litigant out there, to whom for emphasis I say "this content is often phony. I admit it. Now for heaven's sake stop waving that thing in public and zip yourself up!"  

To illustrate the primacy of self-amusement in this website - which would be a genuine act of courage rather than a gaseous blast of hot-air if its lethal target turned out not to be located all-the-way around on the other side of the world - here's a "Hamas joke": 

Question: "What seductive pick-up line for women is used most frequently by members of Hamas?"
Answer: "Don't scream or I'll kill you, along with all the other hostages."  

As another example, one that's an admitted long-shot to receive a commendation for tastefulness, here's another pair of "Hamas jokes": 

Question: "Given the difficulty of distinguishing them from other Palestinians, what's the best way to pick out a member of Hamas?"
Answer: "He's most likely to be accompanied by a sexually-satisfied camel."  

Question: "Speaking of camels, which apparently we are, what's the greatest possible source of shame for Hamas when dealing with camels?"
Answer: "Premature ejaculation." 

Note that while the author (i.e., back to "me" again) right now is gagging with laughter - apparently undeterred by the childishness of those jokes - you might not be, or might be too embarrassed to admit that you are. But, either way, that's fine for the author (i.e., "me"), since a third purpose for this website is to let the author imagine that his readers are laughing along with him, rather than long ago having blocked this account and called the FCC or having used a website-hardcopy to housebreak a pet dog and then threw it into a neighbor's backyard...  

...so now it's time to ask: "Is the reader reasonably clear about the purposes of Klein101.com?" I'll take that haplessly-mute and glowering silence as a "yes," and proceed for the benefit of the one or two remaining readers into the first "offering" from Klein101.com: 

Not surprisingly, given what was just said, I submit that my pompously-labeled "topic-du-jour" is none-other-than Hamas itself: a group that I've judiciously avoided referencing as a mass-murderous pack of two-legged stool-samples who are unfit-to-breathe-our-air and who should be jettisoned on a one-way voyage to the Planet Neptune, each fortified with a box of tic-tacs for food, except that I just did.  

Once upon a time, or several months ago, and depending on the length of this sentence perhaps several months more, Hamas decided to deliberately expose the entire Palestinian populace to horrendous losses so as to push their own twisted agenda, which apparently was to demonstrate to the human race how wretchedly, abominably, and misanthropically its members could behave: not unlike the behavior of Jim Jordan, Ohio Congressman. As we proceed down this path away from anything relevant and clearly into a grab-bag of the author's pet-peeves, we note that Jim was voted into Office with support from experts in the pursuit and perfection of election-cheating, through great-leaps-forward in the fields of gerrymandering, voter-suppression, and showing up at doorsteps terrifyingly disguised for Halloween as Ron DeSantis. Jim is nicknamed "I-Like-To-Watch" because he multitasks between doing nothing to doing more of nothing to obscuring memories of his "service" as an Ohio State University accomplice to a sexual-assailant and who when confronted with the issue obligingly changes the subject. The important thing is that the last sentence is finally over, while the ominous thing is that there are more sentences to come. 

In fact, here's one right now. And here comes another one: 

Reverting from the author's pet-peeves to the almost-forgotten issue of Hamas, we suggest that, with the right approach, and with the right witness-protection program, rational Palestinians can be persuaded to "give up" this vomitus - which as a vocabulary word I was eager to shoehorn in somewhere-or-other, and understandably so! - in exchange for substantial concessions, if not ultimately for outright autonomy. 

Since he's proud to oppose this autonomy, much like he'd be proud to have no genitals or proud of his reputation for not getting-it-up or proud to show off to dinner-guests a freshly-excavated globule of mucus, his substitutes for Palestinian autonomy suggest immediate incarceration for the digestively-arduous Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, whose grandest accomplishments to date include the construction of illegal West-Bank settlements, along with being a well-known crook: eagerly sought-out as a speaker at management-training seminars about "how to negotiate in bad faith without giggling."  

...and now, and not simply because I had nowhere else to turn, it's time for another "Hamas joke": 

Question: "What equipment does a member of Hamas pack in order to prepare for a battle?"
Answer: "A spray-can of nitrous oxide, a jar of roofies, and a pack of condoms."  

Laughing uproariously at the author's own joke, convinced that the reader is as well while intent on referring to myself in the third person, and lacking a useful segue between topics, it's necessary to unexpectedly return to the topic of Israel's criminal Prime Minister.  

As he's known through a nickname he thinks is an admiring one, it's time to consider the ongoing agenda for "Bibi": AKA "Gonif," which is Yiddish for "thief," and in stark contrast to "pishika," "schmuck," "shmeckle," and "putz" is one of only a handful of Yiddish words that don't mean "penis." Gonif's agenda is that of any garden-variety indicted-criminal opposed to any form of governance that seeks the rule-of-law: not unlike his opposite number, Donald Trump, who "served" as the 45th President of our very own United States - the first person in American history who at the same time occupied both the White House and the FBI's Terror Watchlist - having been elected by (to paraphrase his words) "a history-making landslide victory-margin of minus-2,865,975 votes." As we again careen away from our original topic into yet-another of the author's pet-peeves, we note that our 45th President served illustriously each day on the toilet, using Twitter-texts to insult anybody who disagreed with him and creating an image for which the reader won't soon forgive me. Racing quickly ahead so as to obliterate any memory of a distasteful bathroom scene that may or may not involve Donald Trump's constipation, our attention returns for this lamest of all possible reasons to the Middle East: 

To ease the transition, which is an obvious excuse for the following, we start off with another "Hamas joke":
Question: "Why did the member of Hamas dump his girlfriend?"
Answer: "He found a better-looking camel."  

...and now, embarrassed by not being embarrassed about what I clearly think is hilarious, it's time to return to the gist of our discourse: 

As with Trump, but in the case of Trump's fellow felon who disgraces the office of Israel's Prime Ministry, Gonif's quest to "stay out of prison, no matter what it costs" divided his government, bifurcated his country, distracted his intelligence and military arms - both of which had been across-the-globe nothing short of legendary - and by weakening them and rendering them vulnerable engendered this brouhaha with Hamas in the first place: a brouhaha out of which Mr. Gonif refuses to negotiate, since an ongoing war justifies his place at the head of government, rather than dancing out of a prison birthday-cake wearing bunny-ears and a push-up bra while at knifepoint singing "I Enjoy Being a Girl." 

For this, lo-and-behold, it turns out that Benjamin "Gonif" Netanyahu all along has had the babbling support of our very own 45th Presidential hemorrhoid - who for the purpose brought-to-bear his hugely-ridiculous albeit hugely-lucrative "Abraham Accords," devoted to a land-swap of relocating his son-in-law Jared Kushner into a brand-new penthouse-suite and Palestinians into brand-new hovels, whose own grandest accomplishments include dumping into the USA the world's worst covid-pandemic slaughter, giving himself a perfect "ten" for it even though he regretfully left several million survivors, and shattering the world's-record for publicly lying-through-his-own-teeth.  

Currently, Donald Trump is seeking entrée into Mensa by cheating on their qualifying IQ-test, but that's a matter for our "Irrelevant Snide Comments" department. 

The big hurdle for the State of Israel, which as the alert reader might remember remains our topic, is the country's Orthodox-Jewish/right-wing constituency - who (note that) I called neither "rabble" nor a "pestilence" nor an "infestation," but the day is young - who provide a legal-appearing niche for Gonif, who in turn provides a legal-appearing niche for the belief that the office of prime minister should be occupied by a felon with two ridiculously large ears, but I digress... 

Demographically, in contrast to the USA, which houses a leftward shift due to coming of voting-age from people-of-color who correctly ascertain their multidimensional deprivation from white-trash bigots, public-embarrassments, and two-legged vomitus - as I try out my "new word" in this in-progress and (with any luck) complete sentence - we find that the largely African-derived Sephardic Jewry who underpin Israel's right-wingers who in turn undergird Gonif are more populous than are the largely left-wing Central- and Eastern-European-sourced Ashkenazi, and growing.  

(As an Ashkenazi in my-own-right, I considered recusing myself from the rest of this discussion - one that I imagine is entertaining and educational, rather than a tiresome and cacophonous exercise in self-amusing blather - and then I laughed off the entire notion of recusal: not unlike the standard response to the same request from Clarence Thomas. Thomas "serves" as a sex-predator and bribery-clearinghouse for the U.S. Supreme Court, who, despite his marriage to Ginni - a seditious-traitor of indeterminate gender who at times appears oddly female-like - can be expected to answer, from his usual "peeping" stall in a girls bathroom, "recuse myself? Good one!'" But that's a matter for down-the-road, to be included in a civil-lawsuit-daredevil invitational-tournament of a discussion, so for now we return to the original repartee, but only after at-long-last exiting from these parentheses.)

As it turns out, demographically-cum-politically - while we pause to permit the abatement of snickers at the sight of the word "cum" from the R-rated-minded crowd with which we're apparently encumbered - the USA and Israel move in opposite directions, while they're united in the devotion of their younger populations to tone-deaf buffoons like Snoop Dogg who are utterly devoid of talent except for a previously-untapped ability to remain publicly and explicitly inebriated on mind-bending drugs without being ordered by law enforcement to "come out with your hands up after you tuck that disgusting thing back in," and I fully appreciate the opportunity to have launched into yet-another pointless but yet-another soul-satisfying "side-diatribe." More to the point, and by definition, Gonif's efforts toward preemptive avoidance of criminal prosecution are in direct opposition to democracy, along with the very precepts of civilization themselves. 

Thus, in Israel - which (again) if you are alert enough to recall remains our topic from several months ago at the beginning of this windy discussion - the democratic-process moves events in a decidedly anti-democratic direction, thanks entirely to the work of demography. For the seriousness of the preceding sentence, I apologize, and as an alibi I claim "diminished capacity" as a result of insufficient ingestion of marijuana: a clear case of being "hardly-intoxicated" that I promise will never recur.  

Regarding the negative interplay in Israel between democracy and demography, by way of contrast, in the USA, the democratic process moves events in a similar anti-democratic direction, but in our case due to the fact that, rather than vote, citizens are too busy staring slack-jawed at TV sports, insisting with zero evidence that all politicians are equally corrupt, thinking that the Philippines are located in Europe, thinking that Europe is part of Central America, overeating, and helping humanity evolve into a species in which everybody thinks that a double-chin and an average weight of four-hundred pounds are sexually-attractive, but (continuing this astoundingly-long sentence) having sounded-off about another pet-peeve and drifted far away from anything remotely-relevant, I once again digress, while furthermore - thanks to repeated and unprintably obscene protests from at-this-point an exasperated publishing company who long-ago ran out of patience - it's time to wrap things up:

In conclusion, assuming that you're still reading this - rather than sheepishly confessing that long ago you've returned to pornhub.com to resume watching a tear-jerking video of a tender love-story between two lesbians and a goat who has no idea why he's wearing a party-hat and prank-sunglasses - both the Palestinians and Israelis face their own criminal, anti-democratic regimes, and must face them down. So, on a note of hope - the Hebrew word for which is the hymnal "Hatikvah," and the Arab term for which is "salaam," which though irrelevant is the only Arab word known by the author - the two populations share a common lot in life. But on a note of resignation - the Hebrew word for which is "oy," which really is silly Yiddish jargon, and the Arab word for which is still "salaam" - the fact that Palestinians thus far have not enjoined this challenge from their criminal regime means that the Israeli treatment of them as human beings will be tantamount to appeasement of (from Hamas) the most abominable actions that anybody is likely to ever see, except for Kash Patel, a big-mouthed nonentity from the otherwise Great State of New York, but again I digress, while this time resolving to finally look up the definition of the word "digress." 

The point is that the likelihood of that humane-treatment is rock-bottom, which equates to the likelihood that this post will receive a Pulitzer Prize, much less Walter Payton's honorary "Man of the Year" Award or the just-concocted RuPaul's honorary "Man Dressed Up as a Woman of the Year" Award or the Purple Heart or the Heisman Trophy or the Miss Teen USA Award, but at least now I got to include myself in the same sentence as the Heisman Trophy, so - as would our 45th President - I now give myself a perfect "ten" for having done absolutely nothing.  

To be continued, well beyond the point at which you want it to, which perhaps was when you first recognized my name, especially if you are my rabid and suspected machete-concealing eighth-grade English teacher Miss Flynn or my university faculty-colleague, the homunculus Alan Glassman, who as a humorless blowhard I rapier-wittedly nicknamed as "Alan Glasshole"... 

...but, for now, you're all caught up, so feel free to return to whatever disturbing if not appalling things you had been doing for over four hours in the bathroom. 

We sign-off with a final "Hamas joke":
Question: "What do Hamas and Brussel sprouts have in common?"
Answer: "Neither should exist."  

The End.